Mankind

theres nothing humanly possible to escape what we are thinking.
the truth comes out in our lies,
and the only thing we can cross our fingers and hope on
is the civil actions of one another.
the graciousness of one person



i was tired of the same ol’ same ol’, but i didnt do anything to change. every aspect of my life was one mistake after another. covered up with smiles, i could mask my emotions. but it would be the late nights alone, and what drove me insane was the cold on my toes. all i ever asked for was to be loved. nowadays its beginning to look like a common motief. something that is visible in my actions and my words. i seem like i care, its because i do. i care too much for you, you, especially her. i thought she cared for me, but i guess she was unsure.

no matter. all my acceptance and praise only gave me a sense of living. so i tried to express myself. that means i tried to kill myself. but its only scars and wounds that were slightly deeper than what those called humans would deal. i left my life to them. or the ones surrounding me. excited, i would latch on. in a frenzy i would dwell on. but i figured, it was only faith.

something i was beginning to lack. after all the stories i heard, about the simple bragging. the next stage after that, is me stumbling. me lacking. i began to look down at myself. but instead of my feet, i saw myself lagging, behind. each day serves as an example, and a test i can not pass. each ideal is a kiss, that i beg for and i taste it, i swear. i swear that theses dreams will not last. its only a phase, a misconducted pass. ill find my own, like my way but im misdirected and…im last. every oppertunity, my breath gets heavy, my pupils dilate and my palms get sweaty. im glad it was cold that day i met you, having gloves on kept me steady.

at first, i wanted to be around you, and you were interested. you gave me a chance and soon began to relish in it. this feeling, this warmth. far better than being cold. i hugged you and you actually hugged back. i came to remember you say it was only habit. you had beautiful ones, and they triggered my happiness. but that pursuit was futile. now only my escapes are my day dreams. i don’t do that a lot, so when i do its heavenly. i can only make up the best sounding experiences, i never get to live them out. as if my life was a love novella, quick and sweet like being loved under an umbrella. being kissed under the rain, and falling in love…i made plans while under the weather. it all seemed so perfect. if only i could remember that last chapter.

i could of sworn i wrote that in a letter. like a, the first time gave acceptance. i wouldn’t have a heart if you hadn’t left it. like a little child, it roamed. searching for its mother. like in a supermarket department store. 



thanks for leaving on the side of the road.
i had a hell of a time getting back home.
restricted from my house, i began walk
to a place where only my hands could talk
it was behind my mind where i held you so
it was the time that never was, so i let you go.

-Paul Johnson